So drunk its hurt
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
