i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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