Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
