im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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