I want to have your abortion
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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