I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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