i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
