The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
