Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm passing your future prison.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
