you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
