Did you just see the Batmobile???
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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