he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
