New invention idea: vibrating tampons
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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