Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
