When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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