I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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