mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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