Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just cropdusted the office
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Drunk is not a location!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
