This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
