I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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