I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
