The maid of honor just puked.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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