im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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