Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
