I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
