this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
