Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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