i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
