You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
