the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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