we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
