Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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