Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
