I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Welp...herpes.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
