I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
