if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize