I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
