Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
