mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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