final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
ok first of all what the fuck
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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