Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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