Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
