I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
