Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
