Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
