She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
