if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize