At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
