I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
