i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
